It's 3am...

It is 3am and I am wide awake. On a typically Monday morning, I would be frustrated because I would have to be up and ready for work in a few, short hours..but not today.

Here, let me give you quick update. Friday around 5pm, I was pulled into my bosses office and sat patiently as they told me that they simply can't afford to keep me at my job. Finally, the anxiety that I have been feeling for the past two months was confirmed. I had been walking into the office everyday, brewing the coffee and kicking things off wondering if it was going to be my last day there. I had no solid evidence, it was just the gut feeling in my stomach. My bosses also made no efforts in hiding the fact that they were starting to panic either.

So, as I sit here early this morning, counting down the hours until the unemployment offices open, I try not to panic. Right now, I don't really feel like a loser for losing my job. I feel like a statistic. According to CNN, "The third week of January was dismal for jobs, as around 40,000 more cuts were announced across multiple industries. All in all, about 125,000 job cuts have been announced so far this year, according to company reports." That isn't even considering the fall out of the little guy; those small businesses who CNN doesn't even reach out to... nor do the small companies report, "Why,yes, I have a staff of 6 and we plan to cut to 5 this year!" How ridiculous sounding is that? But either way, it's the same thing. Same crisis. My former company will feel the hurt from that one person being gone. To them, it was a luxury position, or so I was told.

I have no idea what I plan to do. The kicker? I am pregnant. (If you follow this blog on a normal basis, you would know that.) Here's my take on the situation. Glass half empty: Oh my goodness, what am I going to do? How am I ever going to be able to afford this baby now? Glass half full: Now I can actually enjoy my pregnancy without all the work anxiety and drama. God wants me to rest. In a previous life, I would automatically be drawn towards the first scenario, but for some reason I am at peace. Is it because I had those gut feelings for two months now? Did I have time to prepare? I mean, come on, I had already cleaned out my desk!

So, I am keeping my options open. I am going to investigate potential jobs, if there are any out there, that match my qualifications, or I might take my brother's suggestion and just really do some things that make me happy and make the most out of my time being pregnant. Do some jobs here and there that just simply bring joy and some peace...and enough income to get by.

BA Boom...

BA Boom, BA Boom, BA Boom...that is the sound my baby makes at 164 beats per min. In certain circles, some say that means it's a girl. In my thoughts, right now it's just a confirmation that this little person still lives inside my belly. It's hard, because some of your symptoms start disappearing and the fear sets in....Was that box I lifted too heavy? I only sort of tripped, but caught myself. Basically, your mind starts going a little nuts. The body changes that came on so quickly start fading and you just want to make sure that instead, your body just isn't going back to normal. I can't wait until I can feel the baby move, so that I can have a constant confirmation that things are going according to plan. I also can't wait to have more of a belly. Yes, can you believe that?I am embracing the belly growth that will occur. It will be a source of validation of all the fatigue, the cravings and yes, the double chin that is more apparent to me, than others. It also feels good to be at the "safe point," as they call it, to be able to share the news with everyone. But I'm not the only one with good news....

Have I mentioned that my brother is now officially engaged? It is going to be a BIG 2009! I am very excited that we will be welcoming his fiance, Whitney, to our family next fall. She's been so supportive and helpful to us through some very good and very, very sad times the past four years. My mom would very happy with all the change that is happening in the Wormer family. I only wish she was here to share it with us, but boy would she be proud.

2009 Resolutions

I don't know why, but I've never been a big fan of New Year's Eve. Sometimes I wish I could find that midnight party-goer in me, but relaxing at home and taking it easy has always been the better option for me...especially this year. It seems like the time between Christmas and New Year's has really caught up with me in terms of the pregnancy. Before I was going at full force, trying to hide my secret and not let on that my body was going through this major change. Now, I've just been super-duper tired and actually a little nauseated riding in cars. But in the spirit of New Year's, like always, I still come up with some resolutions.
Here they are in no particular order:
1. Lose most of the baby weight before Brad's wedding.
2. To have more self-confidence and to prove it.
3. To dive in and read my Bible more.
4. To not live so defensively.
5. Be able to do 10 pull ups by this time next year.
6. To reach out and mentor somebody.
7. Finally knit those hats for kids with cancer.
8. Budget....really, really BUDGET.
9. Eat more vegetables and fruit. (It's for the baby.)
10. Go with my instincts more often!

Some Big News

Well, as you can tell a ticker has been placed at the top of my blog. Yes, that means that Skye and I are expecting a baby in July. We are totally excited about this and can't wait to share our journey into parenthood with you. We feel very fortunate to have so many friends going through this experience in their own lives, as well. (I'm glad our baby will have little friends to play with.) So, stay tuned for more updates. I'm still absorbing the news, so I haven't been good with posts so far...but I was also waiting to tell the rest of the family and the bosses at work.

Thanksgiving Past and Present

Last year, at this time, I went away for the Thanksgiving holidays and came back Monday and didn't have a job waiting for me. Rest assured, I've gotten confirmation from my bosses this year that the same thing won't happen.

I can't believe how much I have grown this past year. I've realized many of my strong suits, faced the realities and openly discussed what I do and do not like to do. So many people recommended to me that I read the book Boundries. Why I didn't listen to them sooner? I don't know. It's been helpful in realizing what I actually expect out of people and what they should expect out of me. Really communicating your personal needs in a way that other people won't get offended or hurt.

I've also grown in a way of being more vocal. Especially in my job. When I was at a corporate environment, sitting around a conference table trying to present a marketing plan was torture. My tongue could somehow never find the words floating around in my brain. I was smart, had done all my research, but I didn't really feel that I could communicate in a way that people would listen and take me seriously. Maybe, in all honestly, I didn't believe in the product enough. I feel at times I can be pretty opinionated, but in return I am open to the opinions of others. I've learned to vocalize and stand up for my thoughts and actually give myself some self-credit and worth.

In reflecting on the words above, I want to make it clear that I don't find self worth through my job. Life is too short and there's a bigger plan somewhere. But it does make a difference when you walk in some place every day and feel appreciated and noticed. Therefore, this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the hardships and lessons I've learned. Job hunts, unemployment, grieving (still) have made me stronger. Through my experience, I can help offer words of wisdom, hopefully. It's a tough world out there with the economy and such. I just tell those of you out there suffering, chin-up. Something good will come and your luck will change.

Just a quick note...

Reporters have now moved onto talking about Obama's new administration. Call me crazy, but don't we still have a lot of problems going on right now? Shouldn't we still be figuring out how to solve all these issues like the downfall of the economy? Bank bailouts and now auto bailouts? I am disappointed, in this time of crisis, that the only statements I've heard from the current Bush administration is that "Bush's goal is make Obama's transition as easy as possible!" Way to finish strong, Bush! But then again, what can you expect from a President that now has an disapproval rating of 75%.

Bah Humbug....Halloween?

Tomorrow is Halloween and I am not enthusiastic at all. Probably the best adjective is "cynical," and I hate that. I blame it on the season of life that Skye and I are in. I finally got around to buying my pumpkins this week and don't even plan on carving them. I'll probably just continue to use them as fall decoration for Thanksgiving to extend their use.

We are saving money, so we don't want to go out and purchase Halloween costumes for fun. We feel a bit on the loser side because we weren't invited to any Halloween parties this year, so it doesn't matter anyways. Also, the majority of our friends have kids now, so they at least have the obligation of taking the kiddo's trick-or-treating that night. Therefore, we feel a tad left out there. So, I would say the best bet is to just stay home and hand out candy to the 3 kids that live in the neighborhood, trying to avoid the temptation of eating the remaining candy left in the bowl. YIKES!

The night won't be that bad.I must say, the one thing that I do look forward to on Halloween is the ritual of eating fish sticks and macaroni and cheese for dinner. My mom used to feed this to us, as kids, before we headed out to fill our treat bags. It's one of those comfort foods for me that puts a smile on my face. So, as I sit back an read my Stephanie Meyer vampire book "New Moon," I'll be wishing all you trick-or-treaters and Halloween lovers out there, have fun and be safe!